Friday, October 10, 2008

Last Word

People, I am ready to go.
Please take care your family and don't do that like me.

I owe you my whole life - Ben Chen for my only wife

You always be nice to me

When I make a mistake

You save me

I am not take good care of you

You are still around me

I owe you my whole life

I do not give you a better life

You and me need to work hard

But you still with me

You save me again and again

You do not give up on me

I owe you my whole life

Monday, May 14, 2007


I got the big loan and want to start a new life.
Will try to earn every monay I can make from different ways.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Get a big loan

Finally, I applied a big loan.
I hope the process is ok so I can just pay off credit card.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Wait to end

Finally, I let my wife knows my big loss in the stock market. She is very sad and don't understand why I am doing that again and agin. I think I will getting divorce soon.
Kids don't worry about daddy. When monther asked you, who do you want to stay. I glad you said "Momma". I know the little boy, he didn't say because he is not able to say yet. I believe his answer will same as you.
Daddy is glad you have right choice. I am hopless and bad person. Don't let me getting you. So, I think your monther will have best choice for you.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dead Dead Dead

You need to end. No other question.
No hope. Don't thnk any hope will drop from the sky.
End end.......
Sorry to my family....I don't know how long can I still stand..
I tired but look like failed on me.
I think I got virus on my mind need to kill it.
So, end......could be that way...but I will become a evil.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Recover Time

How long can I finally recover? I don't know. Maybe never.
I think for now just very slow but at least is better.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Not enough?

Why is not enough? Food, money, or life?
Everytime you think it is not enough then you will get less.
At least I have this feeling.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


What is the win meaning? Can you win?
You want to win then you loss. Sometime the win just come out no where.
Even, you don't know how is possible.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Bad Feeling

My wife asked me again and said if I do loss money again. Then, I will loss my family and kids. I am a losser. Nothing what I can say.
I am going to loss them soon.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I am thinking to find a way to end of my life tonight.
What is the best way to do that? Will none get hurt? I don't know.
I think my fmaily will get big hurt after I gone. But, I am a big losser.
Sorry my kids and my wife. I am so sorry. I am not a good daddy and a good man.

What can I do? Anyone will help me to buy my domain for total $200,000 then I will thanks to her/him whole my life even give my life.

But, I don't think there is one. I run out all help. I am heopeless now.
I don't know how long can it keep me up....

So Long Losser!

Why I didn't see the end is coming. What are you doing? You are just going to loss everything. Where are you going to stand. No where?
Just give up, man!

Give up losser!

What are you doing? There is no point for you here. A big losser and here is end.
Don't fight it. You are a big losser. Noone will care you!

How good am I?

I think I am good at get money and I am very good to loss money.
What a losser!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Money money

I still can not find out if I don't need money. I can not. I need money now no mater what. I still need it even I hate it. Do I have another choice? Nop, I have payment is due and I need money to pay it off. Otherwise, I will loss my family.
Money! Money! I like to hold you but I'd to kill you, too.
Any help? Nop.

I need to be very strong.

Can I just give up? Nop, you can not just give up. You need to be very strong and stand up for your family.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Superman will help people and save people but who will save him?
I think he need to be strong by himself even when he is weak.

Kids be strong

Daddy will try stay long as I can. Please be strong if I am not here.

Monday, March 12, 2007

what the day

My blodd test came out no good. My time is coming.

Friend needs help

Yes, friend needs my help. I will do it but who is going to help me. HaHa.
Don't worry. You are like superman to help people. Don't need people to help? Is that right?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

It is a morning again.

Time is getting closed but I am still don't know how to get fix yet.
Right now, I am like a ant on the hot pan runing and runing.

Good Night!

I am afraid to go to sleep because I don't find out how to fix my issues.
It has been a week. Time is almost up. I am still not finding any solution.
I am too tired now. Need to go to sleep. Good night!

Friday, March 9, 2007

Save myslef

I need to come out a plan not just wait here doing nothing.
1. Need to get extra income - Doing own business - open a website to sell health food (done)

2. Got help from friend - tried but not getting any yet.
3. Sell my assist - try but nonone ask yet.

4. Think thing.......anything else.

Talk to myself

No help no hope. I just talking to myself. Who care you. That's right. Who care.
I still on my mission on my life. When is my mission end?
I don't know.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Times up!

This morning I wnt to doctore office. He called me yesterday and ask me to go see him.
The doctor showed me the earily blodd tested report. The AST is 68 is too high. The range is 3-50. And, ALT is 162. The ALT range is 3-60. Both are way to high.

I am not sure what is wrong maybe my time is closed by.

One night be a rich man

Got a lottery. Thinking to get rich at one night. When I buy this time, I am not even think I will get it. So, I didn't win it.
I should know I don't have that kind of chance. My co-worker told me I don't have that chance in my life. He knows how to read from my hand.
But I try to fight it. Can it be done?
I don't get it this time so give it up. You don't have more time.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

need help?

No way to get help. Help myself first. Can not just wait someone will show up.
That is not your life. You need to earn it.
Do I have more time? Nop, time is up.

To all my friends

You all help me go through my life and I will keep it as long as I can.
Thanks for all, I miss you all.
Life is beautiful but why I make is harder? Can not be a happy life?

To my little one

You are the youngest one in our family. You are also so lovey in our family.
Listen too your old brother and sister. They will help you. Daddy will never forget you.
Also please don't let mommy down.

To my lovely girl

You are so lovely. Daddy always lovely. You need to help mommy to take care the little brother. Daddy will not arround you soon or later.
Be a good girl and take more time with mommy.

To my big son

Don't fight with your sister and brother. You are the biggest kid at our family. If I am not arround please be a strong man to take care them and help them out.
One day sooner or later I will go and don't miss me too much.
Daddy is not a very good daddy. Please listen to mommy.
Be a strong man and don't let mommy down again.

No way out

I can not find a better way to stay. What should I do? God any sign of direction? I don't want just letf my family and end of my life.

How to cover my big hole?

How? Why I keep dip more? I think I am not able to control myslef. Mybe in my mind just try to get quick solution to cover my big hole. But, I may choice the wrong solution. Not fix but getting more big issues.
What Should I do? need to do something? what is something? think..think

Am I a personal should be live?

Should I? I think I think I think.... I can not give up, right. If I leave then I will become the 100% evil. I should take care my mission. My mission is living in this world, right? or just end of the story.


I am not able to sleep well becuase I still not able to tell the truth. They are so lovely how can I let them down.

Monday, March 5, 2007

So Long

Should I do that? Doing what? I don't know.
What will happend to me? only me will know but I don't know.
What are you thinking?

All my life

I find out I am have very good life even I am not a rich guy or king. My family and friend are very nice to me. Special my dear and my parents.

I let them down. I can not forget myself.

What should be the ending?

How to make everyone happy? If I shutdown myself then I fixed mor more new issues will created by me. Is that true, maybe not. What happend my kids need me, but I am not able to help them? Hard to find a happy ending I think because my fault.

To my children

Dear Children,
I am not a good father. I am so sorry to loss your education support and I ddin't get you best life in my power. I will try to recover it if I can. But, look like I tried and I loss more.
Something is wrong on me. Maybe like computer bug in my mind.
I will try to stand with you as long as I can.
Daddy - can I still have this name?

To my dear

I just write it down. Hard to say in front at you. I don't know how to face you and our little children. They are just little. I din't give you a better life. I just give you more trouble to you. I know you always be a very best person in the world to help me. But, I just don't know why I am doing this. I let all my family and friends down.
Can you still call you dear? I will accept your refuse and I understand that.

My fault

No question to ask. It is all my fault. I make my decision.
Nothing left is good at my side.
I just hope someone will help me and buy my domain name.
Just a little hope and I know that is impossible.
Why they will put money on me.
I am so sorry to all my family.

This is a dead end.

I can feel it but I can not just left my lovly family.
Don't know which direction I should go now.

A dead meat!

Is the sky falling? Why I always have wrong choice? Should I reset my mind?
I don't know what to do now.
I think if the software no good for the computer then it need to kill it.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Time machine

I relly think if I can go back then I should be able to fix issues.


Thinking more before you do anything!

End of my life

Should I doing that? Doing what? End of my life. I was thinking about it but I didn’t do it. Why? I am thinking then I truly become a 100% an Evil people.
But, the idea still inside me and it will pop-up sometime in my mind.

Two Faces

I have my original face and evil face. I don’t use evil face all the time only when my family ask me about financial situation. I have to wear that evil face otherwise I am not able to cover it my really feeling.
My evil face is not a special face it just let my family don’t feel something is wrong. I am not angry when I wear it but I feel very painful inside me.

My little story

I born in a nice family and I love my daddy and mommy.
My parents’ wants me have better life so they help me to come to USA.
I graduated form a nice college and work for while. I got marry and I have three children. They are all below age five. I love my kids and my wife very nice to me. It should be a nice family. I was still a good husband and good daddy at three years ago.

My feeling this point

I am dishonest on my financial situation to my family. Other things, I am not lying. All lies stared with a small lie.
I think I am destroying my family because I betray their trust.

I am not a good father anymore. I took away their education funding and losing it in the stock market. I just not able to get out this big hole and it become more like evil people.

I feel so sorry to my wife and three young children. I loosing my really face to face them. I have to make up a face to face them. Don’t want them to know the evil side.

Should I stop my life to stop me become to an evil people? I don’t want to give up but I just can not control myself in the stock market. I tried to get some loss back but loss more.

I loss my hope and I don’t know what to do.